David - New York, NY | Read David's Second Entry
Tennis is an individual sport but running professional tennis is a team sport. To that end, I am pleased to announce my list of Deputy Commissioner appointments.
Tony Soprano, Deputy Commissioner of International Cooperation and Goodwill. Deputy Soprano will make tournament owners offers they can't refuse in order to shorten the overly long ATP and WTA calendars. Mr. Soprano's unique consensus-building skills will result in a nine-month season, thereby reducing player injuries and intensifying fan interest.
Serena Williams and Rafael Nadal, Deputy Co-commissioners of Human Resources. Deputies Williams and Nadal will promote an on-court Code of Guts that includes self-motivational outbursts, fist-pumping, scissor-kicking and multilingual affirmations ("Vamos!", "Allez!", etc). Suspect retirements, choking, and tanking will decrease, thereby boosting fan enjoyment, reducing early-round snoozefests, and creating dramatic upsets.
Hannibal Lecter, Deputy Commissioner of Television Rights and Broadcasting. Deputy Lecter will dine on a nice Chianti and plate of fava beans in the broadcast booths of Grand Slams and major tournaments as a reminder to networks of what will happen if they interrupt gripping matches just because no American is playing and don't show all important matches live. Mr. Lecter's presence will also remind commentators to refrain from repeating the same tired player anecdotes.
Martina Hingis and Andy Roddick, Deputy Co-commissioners of Media-Player Relations. Commissioners Hingis and Roddick will ensure that players speak their minds during press conferences, make glib remarks, and occasionally talk trash about opponents. They will enforce a ban on banal phrases ("I'm taking it one match and a time") in order to deliver engaging personalities to the public. They will target withering grins and sarcasm at noncompliant players.
Barbara Walters, Commissioner of International Press Relations. Commissioner Walters will ensure that journalists ask probing questions that force players to emote (and in appropriate cases, bring them to tears) instead of tossing lobs like, "What do you love most about playing in Dubai?"
Anna Wintour, Deputy Commissioner of Player Dressing and Grooming. Commissioner Wintour will tastefully maximize tennis' unique role as a sportswear laboratory, thereby expanding its appeal to a young fan-base. Vince Spadea and Bethanie Mattek will serves as Fashion Victim Code Enforcers. Anything they would wear will be banned from match play.
Billie Jean King, Deputy Commissioner of Fan-friendly Innovation. Commissioner King will test fan-friendly innovations at tournaments worldwide, including music during changeovers, uninhibited exit and entry during matches, more frequent line challenges, and the sale of overpriced tour merchandise. She will issue a report on whether these innovations will destroy or enhance the game.
Brad Gilbert, Larry Stefanki, Darren Cahill, Deputy Co-commissioners of U.S. Player Development. These three will oversee player development in the U.S., thereby rescuing the world's largest tennis market from impending recession. They will also convene star-studded benefits to raise funds for Commissioner Gilbert's obscenely high salary and stroke his large ego.
With this peerless team in place, I feel confident that we will see thrilling matches, fascinating and well-dressed players, and an explosion in the growth of tennis worldwide.