8/24/2011 2:00:00 PM
The 2011 US Open Series has been one great big cracked out mess. Falling lights in Toronto, kitchen fires in Cincinnati, The Wozniacki Slump, burnt Rafa fingers, the injury clown car that is Kim Clijsters’ body… One thing’s for sure – we need a drink, bad. Superbad. Superduperbad. Perfect time for the 2011 US OPEN DRINKING GAME! You’ll never be thirsty again. Who loves you? Or at least loves to enable you?
*for those who don’t touch the devil’s nectar (or shouldn’t – I’m talking to you Gerard Depardieu), grab some lemon-lime Gatorade and make it a G moment.
ANDY RODDICK goes ape**** on an umpire or other official. Take two swigs if he says something charmingly self-aware in his press conference afterwards that makes you think, hm, maybe he’s really changed this time.
The BIG STORY is Serena Williams’ return to the US Open for the first time since her foot fault fiasco. Take two swigs if someone suggests a reunion (perhaps even an on-court hug!) with “the lineswoman.” Chug if it eclipses the fact that Serena nearly died in the meantime.
CAROLINE WOZNIACKI is asked about Rory McIlroy. Swig again if there’s giggling like a school girl. Chug if that giggling is by the commentator doing the asking.
JUAN MARTIN DEL POTRO returns to a hero’s welcome. Down a shot of Patron if he’s asked about his wrist and all the emotions he felt not being able to defend his title last year, all while the person asking cuts figurative (or perhaps even literal) onions under his eyes.
In his final US Open broadcast, Dick ENBERG drops an “Oh MY!” Do a Jager Bomb if it’s in regards to Venus Williams’ outfit.
Roger FEDERER pulls off his annual US Open ‘tweener. Take two swigs if SportsCenter finally shows tennis some love by actually including it in its Top 10 Plays of the Day. Chug if another player also pulls off a ‘tweener but you never hear about it.
GAEL MONFILS thrills the crowd and himself with one unbelievable play after the next. Chug if he loses the match.
Ryan HARRISON breaks a racquet after losing a point. Tap a keg if, after winning a point, he immediately swivels and points for the towel like Michael Jackson. Who’s bad?
“I SWEAR TO GOD, I’M GOING TO ******* TAKE THIS BALL AND SHOVE IT DOWN YOUR ******* THROAT!” Lather, rinse, repeat.
Mac is ready to play.
JUDY MURRAY says or does something that makes Andy want to crawl out of his translucent white skin.
Petra KVITOVA looks nonplussed.
LI NA says something awesome. Take two swigs if it’s also vaguely unsettling, like a grown woman with tens of millions in hot new endorsements saying she needs her husband’s permission to spend any of it.
MARIA SHARAPOVA double faults.
NOVAK DJOKOVIC wins.
MELANIE OUDIN inspires bittersweet headshaking like a beloved pug with a wheeled cart in place of missing back legs.
PAM SHRIVER covets Rafael Nadal. Take two swigs if doesn’t even pretend to play it off.
QUESTIONS about his physical health plague Rafa with every match he plays. Toss back a cerveza for every match he wins anyway.
Cries for a ROOF ring out across the land when weather inevitably screws with play. Suck down a Long Island Iced Tea if those cries fall on ears too deaf to hear a Belarusian shriek.
John Isner plays a TIEBREAK.
The U.S. OPEN is proudly promoted as available in spectacular 3D! Take two swigs if you don’t see a second of it.
VENUS WILLIAMS is asked about retirement. Take two swigs if she says she has absolutely no plans to retire, she’s going to keep playing as long as she feels good. Chug if she continues to be asked.
“WHERE WERE YOU WHEN THE EARTHQUAKE HIT?” creeps into a player interview. Suck back a Four Loko if the long-winded, over-animated reply boils down to the fact that they in fact felt nothing and have no story to tell.
No matter how many times it’s mentioned, you still don’t know what an XPERIA HOTSHOT is.
YOU are tore up from the floor up by the time Radek Stepanek sweats through his first pair of white tennis shorts.
You have ZERO ability to remember anything after the second round. Toboggan face-first down a vodka luge if, thanks to all the injuries upsets and retirements, your blackout is probably for the best.
Remember Bacardi Limited Global Social Responsibility Ambassador Rafa and Drink Responsibly. If you can’t find a designated driver, the 7 train is right there. And if you can’t find THAT, well…I’ve clearly done my job, haven’t I?
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