8/10/2011 1:00:00 PM
You know that moment. When you lock eyes with your favorite tennis player and wonder, are they smiling at me because they’re grateful for the support or DO THEY WANT TO MARRY ME AND HAVE TEN THOUSAND OF MY BABIES? It’s just so hard to know if you’re sharing a real moment with a fellow human being or if you may be, possibly maybe, a dangerous sociopath. Take this quiz to find out: ARE YOU A STALKER?
1. When you first took notice of the player who would become your favorite, you:
A) were blown away by their game and just clicked with their vibe.
B) saw hearts and flowers. If you’re going to root for someone, why not enjoy the short skirts and shirt changes too?
C) were convinced they took notice of you too, through the TV. Did they just mouth your name..?
2. When you research where your favorite player will be next, you do it:
A) by going to their official home page, which you have bookmarked thank you very much!
B) by going to the fansite you devote to them, fully loaded with pics – and your face Photoshopped in for the trophies they’re alternately hoisting, biting and straddling.
C) by checking their blackberry – hello, if they didn’t want you to have access to it they wouldn’t have made their pin number something so easy as their social security number.
3. When you buy tickets to their match to see them, you:
A) get front row seats so they can hear you cheer for them!
B) sit in the nosebleeds because you’re told the noises you make aren’t appropriate for audiences of all ages.
C) What do you mean I’m not on the list? I WILL &#@% YOU UP YOU GLORIFIED MALL COP.
4. When you arrive at the stadium, you’re wearing:
A) their official t-shirt – God forbid anyone think you’re rooting for anyone else!
B) their name on your bare chest – go big or go home!
C) an electronic ankle monitor you’ve accessorized with an anklet made from their baby teeth.
5. While watching your favorite player take the court, you:
How fanatic are you?
A) get excited to see that forehand again! The way they hit that ball…
B) become flushed with a fever there’s no prescription for. The way they tug at that wedgie…
C) shove the masking tape you brought deeper down in your backpack, along with that grade of twine that the guy at the hardware store swore to you wouldn’t leave a mark, and if he’s wrong so help him God…
6. Your favorite player spots you during a changeover and remembers you from:
A) their last match when you asked them to sign your giant tennis ball. Gosh you were so nervous!
B) the practice courts when you asked them to sign your ****. Gosh you were so drunk!
C) their hotel room when you asked them to stop screaming. Gosh you were so sure they were asleep!
7. During the match, your favorite player:
A) appreciates your support and throws you a smile!
B) can tell you’re lusting and gives you a wink. Sweet baby Jesus you can die now.
C) talks to the umpire and motions toward you in what’s clearly going to be a marriage proposal on the Jumbotron and not a giant spectacle like last time.
8. Immediately after the match, your favorite player:
A) tosses you their sweaty wristband! You’ll never wash it, or the hand you caught it with, ever again.
B) has their coach slip you a cell number. Wait, what..?
C) has security arrest you. WHY MUST THEY PLAY SO HARD TO GET? THIS ISN’T OVER. THIS WILL NEVER. BE. OVER.
Mostly A’s: You put the fantastic in fan. Or something. When your favorite player sees you, they don’t think twice. Quite possibly because they don’t remember you from last time because you’re way too respectful. But hey, you can sleep with a clear conscience and know your love for your player will, like the Titanic and this tedious Wozniacki/McIlroy are-they-or-aren’t-they-oh-wait-who-cares BS, go on and on and on. And on.
Mostly B’s: Psst. You’ve got a little crazy on your face. But you’re harmless. And worshipping and harmless are the two traits players love the most, and sometimes actually seek out to get their temporary groove on with. Go buy something low cut at Forever 21 and roll the dice baby, you could have something to tell the grandkids. (Like, guess who your grandpa is?)
Mostly C’s: I would never tell you you have an unhealthy relationship with your favorite player, primarily because I don’t wanna find myself locked in the trunk of a sinking Mazda Miata. But if you look inside your heart - and your closet, where your favorite player is bound and gagged - you’ll see maybe there’s someone else out there for you. Perhaps someone with a cattle prod and a prescription pad who can give you what you need the most. If you’re not convinced, if you just have to pursue this love fated in the stars, do it when no one is watching, like during the post-grass clay court swing.
Follow James at twitter.com/JamesLaRosa.