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LaRosa's Sweet Spot: July 13, 2011

7/13/2011 3:00:00 PM

LaRosa's Sweet Spot Archive |

We have our first new No 1 in over seven years on the men’s side, and on the women’s side we’re giving out Slam trophies like STDs on the set of a Real World/Road Rules Challenge. And all we can do is scream like the older sister at the end of Poltergeist who came back after a sleepover to find her home being swallowed up into the ground: “WHAT’S HAPPENING?!”  Fear not friends, I’m here to offer guidance in the storm with your 3rd annual TENNIS HOROSCOPE. What's your sign, baby?

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)

Oh my God, you said what? About who? No seriously, what did you say, we can’t understand half of what’s coming out of your mouth. But who cares, you’re outrageous! Just keep saying whatever comes to that cracked-out mind of yours and the world will continue to be your oyster. Followed up, no doubt, by a Jagerbomb chaser. (Svetlana Kuznetsova, Janko Tipsarevic, Pam Shriver)

LEO (July 23 - August 22)

What we have here is a failure to communicate. It’s not your fault. Just kidding, it is. If you’re feeling kinda punchy or, like Paula Abdul you’re simply tired of not being treated like the gift that you are, best stay away from a microphone. Or Twitter. Or two tin cans and a string. Okay just don’t leave the house. (Daniel Koellerer, Donald Young)

VIRGO (August 23 - September 22)

Self-expression is a wonderful thing, but it can claim unintended collateral damage if you’re not careful. Whether you’re humiliating your child, your buddy, the No 1 player in the world or simply inspiring the world to collectively blind itself, putting others’ needs before your own can save you years of heartache and medical bills down the road. (Judy Murray, Deliciano Lopez, Stella McCartney)

LIBRA (September 23 - October 22)

When the cat’s away, the mice will play. And steal all your ****. Well now you’re back, and hell hath no fury like a feral cat eager to make up for lost time. That’s right baby, you go out there and take back what’s yours. You suffered enough, it’s time to make them suffer instead. It’s what you do best. (Serena Williams, Juan Martin del Potro)

SCORPIO (October 23 - November 21)

Grr, you’re so pretty, and no one will let you forget it. You’re just trying to do your job, WHY MUST YOU BE BURDENED WITH THIS CURSE? Try shaving your head or running face-first through a plate glass window. WAIT STOP I was kidding, clearly your beauty will still shine through. I can’t believe you were about to do it! (Julia Goerges, Ana Ivanovic, Fernando Verdasco, Wayne Odesnik)

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 - December 21)

You trendsetter you! Whether it’s being the first to shriek while going about your business or the first to show up to work (gasp!) sockless, people can’t help but bite your wacky style. Influence can be intoxicating, but beware: with great power comes great responsibility. One false move and the world could be plunged into Armageddon. Or pigtails and pinafores. (Monica Seles, Mardy Fish, Tracy Austin)

Capricorns feel the pressure!

CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19)

The pressure to succeed can be intense, especially when you have the hopes of a nation resting on your shoulders. Do what all great champions do. Drink. A lot. And do a lot of drugs. …what? That’s not what champions do? Are you sure..? Oof, you’re on your own then. Good luck with that. (Milos Raonic, Kei Nishikori)

AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18)

Hey sexy. Why you so sexy? You so sexy the world wants to be sexy witchu. And you can’t help bein’ sexy back. And there’s nothin’ sexier than that. So get your sexy on. But be careful, some people can’t handle all your sexy. So sexy with caution. (Marat Safin, Maria Kirilenko)

PISCES (February 19 - March 20)

This is your year! You can do no wrong. Literally, even when you have to give a speech in some crazy voodoo language you still manage to charm the pants off everyone. Play the lottery. A lot. Get your face on as many Rolex ads and ice cream containers as you can. And for the love of God, whatever you’re doing, keep it up.  We need you. (Li Na, Petra Kvitova)

ARIES (March 21 - April 19)

“Lady Godiva was a freedom rider, she didn’t care if the whole world looked…” And neither do you, you exhibitionist! Honestly, stripping down to your birthday suit to give the world a front row seat to your little flesh parade. Word to the wise, people hate when ugly people with gross bodies wag their business in their faces. So, you know…carry on. (Brooklyn Decker, Jo-Wilfried Tsonga)

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)

When you’re young, being all the rage is usually a good thing, until it ends with point penalties, fines or your racquet in a tree.  Get a grip on those emotions kid, or you won’t just burn through everyone else’s goodwill, you’ll burn through your career before it’s even begun. (Ryan Harrison, Grigor Dimitrov, Nicole Vaidisova) 

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)

You’re what they call an alpha dog. You don’t roll over and show your belly to anyone. But be warned, there are other beasts out there just as unwilling to submit, who are biologically incapable of settling for second best.  Get ready for a war.  It’s all going to come down to heart. Show it and the future will be yours. (Rafael Nadal, Novak Djokovic)


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