2/16/2011 2:00:00 PM
A couple weeks ago I wrote about how some of our most exciting players are getting the short shrift in America because they’re not Madison Avenue-friendly. On Monday, a major news outlet went even further by running a short but sweet piece on how no one in the U.S. gives two poos about tennis at all. Okay it was the Onion but it still hurt. (http://www.onionsportsnetwork.com/articles/and-now-for-a-thrilling-tennis-season-nobody-in-na,19167/) I’m not free from sin, last week shamelessly pitching woo to our neighbor to the north (and getting a serious hickey in the shape of a maple leaf as a result – THANK YOU CANADA) because I just wasn’t getting my needs met at home.
Something has to be done to bring tennis back to the fore in America!
Of course, the sure-fire solution is to find more American stars. But since we have no lamps to rub, we need to make the most of what we have now. And that’s foreigners. That’s right, America needs to be invaded by foreigners, people. Tennis’s top stars with their wacky accents, wackier names and even wackier hairdos. And none of this Rolex and Mercedes ad B.S. They need to invade Middle American pop culture. Get all up in our nooks and crannies until we can’t even get rid of them with a Silkwood shower. Have no fear, I’ve laid out a plan on how to get ‘er done. The invasion will be televised, on MTV right after Skins. The future of tennis in this country depends on it. Hold on to your Snuggies y’all.
* A t-shirt gun in Arthur Ashe Stadium. Except instead of a gun it’s a cannon. And instead of t-shirts it’s Four Loko. And instead of Arthur Ashe stadium it’s a strip club where Lindsay Lohan and Marion Bartoli are partying after going necklace shopping together.
America needs you!
* LIVE with Radek & Kelly!
* Commentating by Jerry Springer, Bill O’Reilly and that pitbull chick from the hair salon takeover show on Bravo.
* Ana Ivanovic starts a feud with Lil Kim.
* During tedious pre-match interview, Caroline Wozniacki pulls a Serene Branson, lapsing into gibberish that turns her into a national punchline, followed by country-wide guilt at the idea the poor dear may have actually suffered a stroke on-air, followed by the inevitable appearance on Dancing with the Stars.
* Anna Kournikova returns.
* Nikolay Davydenko on WIPEOUT!
* Stanislas Wawrinka becomes a Scientologist. Not really sure what this accomplishes exactly but somehow it all seems to mean big business in the end.
* Roger Federer drops by Jimmy Fallon’s “At the Bar with Roger Federer.” Coked out of his mind. Then it’s off to Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew, where he hooks up with Joanie “Chyna” Laurer.
* Agnieszka Radwanska guest stars on GLEE as the stepsister of Joshua who hooks up with Kevin after breaking up with Sheronda’s cousin Gideon... Okay I’ve clearly never watched the show, but damn it if everyone else doesn’t. I do know you don’t have to be able to sing, which should make Aggie’s rendition of the first Teaches of Peaches an iTunes smash.
* Before each of her matches during the U.S. Open Series, Jelena Jankovic is carried out in a giant egg and birthed on court, because baby she was born this way. She proceeds to play in a glittered-out meat dress.
* Charlie Sheen, Victoria Azarenka, Lynn Welch, Bud Collins. Nuff said.
* Nicolas Mahut joins “Sister Wives”.
* Francesca Schiavone, will you accept this rose?
* Fernando Verdasco faces off against Ken Jennings and Watson the computer on Jeopardy! In his underwear.
* Rafael Nadal, the recently discovered half-brother of Oprah Winfrey!
* David Nalbandian legally changes his name to Snooki, is lowered in a ball in Times Square on New Year’s Eve.
Saturday Night Live, with your host and musical guest Robin Soderling! And he only sings country songs, about God, America and NASCAR. With guest rapper Nicki Minaj.
SYFY presents Patty Schnyder v. Sharktopus!
Feliciano Lopez guest stars as a hooker with a heart of gold on CSI: Miami.
Congratulations Ernests, you’re still in the running to become America’s Next Top Model.
If all else fails, if we can’t successfully market foreign players to America, we buy them. We have waaaay more cash than Kazakhstan (once China gives us our allowance). Roger Federer, Kim Clijsters, Novak Djokovic and Rafael Nadal playing under the Stars and Stripes? Are you kidding me??
Say it with me America. YES WE CAN.
Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time for Bridalplasty with Lucie Safarova.
Follow James at twitter.com/JamesLaRosa.