Thanksgiving is upon us, the time of year Americans slide out a can-shaped blob of cranberry sauce to thank God for inventing small pox. Rather than spit out some junk column about all the crap in tennis I’m thankful for (two words: Pam Shriver), this week I honor America’s second most important holiday, Black Friday. This is the day AFTER the food coma when we celebrate blind consumerism! And is there anything more apple pie than that?
So, with 30 shopping days left till xmas, I give you my ULTIMATE TENNIS CHRISTMAS LIST. On it, gift ideas sure to jingle the bells of that special tennis-lovin’ someone in your life, be they your favorite player who you feel psychotically close enough to to buy something for, yourself or even your favorite writer. Ahem, hint hint.
Santa, pay attention!
6. MOYA’S HOOCH!
Carlos Moya may have retired at the WTFs, but the former No 1 leaves behind a legacy spanning 15 years, one French Open title…and a line of light beer which he appears bare-ass on the bottle. (http://www.mundofull.com/?p=7309) Why would you want to drink from a bottle of nekkid Carlos Moya? The bigger question is WHY NOT? Makes a perfect stocking stuffer for grandma, plus you can recycle by sending the empties to ex-girlfriend Flavia Pennetta to smash.
5. MURRAY’S KILT!
Ultimate Tennis Gift #5
The brothers Murray wore them on Jamie’s wedding day, blue/green kilts made “in the traditional Murray of Eilbank tartan” (Don’t ask me). Andy felt deep in his soul that he should honor his Scottish heritage and go commando, something he was ultimately talked out of by the groom. You can make up for this crime against country by kilting with wild abandon. I know I would.
4. CLIJSTERS’ FIGURE!
What better way to pay tribute to a Grand Slam champion than turning her into a Barbie doll?! (http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/tennis/8501823.stm) Accessories include tennis racquet, US Open trophy, and a miniature Kathleen Turner. Oh wait that’s her daughter. Because in case you haven’t heard, KIM CLIJSTERS IS A MOM! Imagine the fun you can have pretending Ken is Lleyton and re-enacting all of Kim’s walk-abouts! The doll is allegedly one-of-a-kind, but since it came out in February, daughter Jada is for sure over it by now. Give it up, kid!
3. DJOKOVIC’S DRAGON!
It’s the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup of tennis kits: Nole and dragons, two great tastes that taste great together! What made Sergio Tacchini think this up? Was he watching Davis Cup at a Chinese food restaurant? Did he drop Serbian shrooms while listening to Peter, Paul and Mary? Okay fine, some might argue that mere mortals wearing this at the local courts might get ticketed by the fashion police, or jumped by a gang of 12-year-old girls sure they could take them. But if this is only for the naughty, the equivalent to a lump of coal in the stocking, then I’m ‘bout to throw rocks through the church windows cuz I WANT! You can buy this bad boy at tennisexpress.com. Perfect for those with impeccable taste or the legally blind. Outfit of the year. Outfit of my life. Pass the soy sauce.
2. NADAL’S BISCUITS!
As any eagle-eyed fan of Rafa or pre-packaged baked goods can tell you, the lefty loves him some QUELYs, trucking them from one press conference to the next. What’s in ‘em? How do they taste? How the hell should I know? What I do know is they’re eligible for FREE Super Saver Shipping on Amazon.com and Rafa’s face is on the package…trophy-biting another package. I’m in! Perfect for anyone who doesn’t care that there’s shrimp or what looks like pork in their snacks, or Shakira.
1. FEDERER’S SEAT!
You know the one, from the best tennis commercial of the year (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jSSTK9bfz7c). Besides the fact that it’s A GIANT TENNIS BALL WITH LEGS, it’s also where you can be passive-aggressively manhandled by the Swiss Mister himself. Perfect for lovers of high-class athletic furnishings and Andy Murray. I don’t know if this thing of majesty is for sale anywhere or if you need to steal it, but if you loved someone enough, you’d find a way. Besides, nothing captures the spirit of the season more than grand larceny.
Of course, if you’re one of those terminally decent people (yawn), donating to a player’s foundation is a fantastic way to give. If you’re like me, it’s an even better way to suck up to your favorite player. And then you’ll be besties for life. Federer, Nadal, Serena Williams and Maria Sharapova all have links on their sites where you can give.
Hopefully I’ve taken the stress from your holiday shopping. Now you can put it all where it really belongs, trying to figure out who the hell’s gonna win the WTF. Bring on the cranberry sauce torpedo!
Follow James at twitter.com/JamesLaRosa.