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LaRosa's Sweet Spot: Oct 27, 2010

10/27/2010 3:00:00 PM

LaRosa's Sweet Spot Archive |

We live in uncertain times. The WTA is dragging its carcass past the finish line of what even eternal optimist Billie Jean King calls “a very bad year” and the ATP is gearing up for its World Tour Finals where anything can happen thanks to each of the Big Four being in unprecedentedly phenomenal form (sometimes uncertain can be awesome). Have no fear, I’m here to help you make sense of it all with your 2nd annual TENNIS HOROSCOPE. What's your sign, baby?

SCORPIO (October 23 - November 21)

He whips his hair back and forth

You’re too sexy for the tour. For this life. For this earth! Build a spaceship and fly to another planet, Planet Sexy, where you whip your hair back and forth with sexy abandon. (Ana Ivanovic, Fernando Verdasco, new WTA logo)

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 - December 21)

Some people might say you’re touched in the head. But so what if you built a crazytown website to promote a crazytown book that came out never?  Who cares if you donned your mixed doubles partner’s top and made boobs out of tennis balls?
The way you dig your claws into a match, and even an opponent, and even an umpire after the match is over!  Okay you’re crazy. I’m not saying any more cuz I don’t wanna get cut. Carry on. (Patty Schnyder, Dmitry Tursunov)

CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19)

You collect injuries the way others collect shot glasses. For God’s sake, don’t leave the house. If you have to get the mail or play a 250 to bring your ranking back up, wear a jumpsuit made of bubble wrap. (David Nalbandian, James Blake)

AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18)

People want to pinch your cheeks you’re just so adorable, but kitty has teeth. You’ll fight and fight till the end, even if it kills you. Which, let’s be honest, it often does.  But so what, you make the most adorable corpse! (Maria Kirilenko, Nicolas Mahut)

PISCES (February 19 - March 20)

Like Jessica Rabbit, you’re not bad, you’re just drawn that way. Like that time you said you-know-what about you-know-who? She totally deserved it. Now, smack talk can be hiiiilarious when you’re on top, but when you’re in the middle of a hateful losing streak making headlines the world over, it only puts a whopping target on your back. So in 2011, try being kind.  Just kidding, get back to winning stupid!  Your mouth is a gift from God. (Jelena Jankovic, Aravane Rezai)

ARIES (March 21 - April 19)

Knock knock. Who’s there? A ring that could sink the Titanic.  And it’s worth how much?!  Get a bodyguard, stat. Or stroll past my house all alone at 3 a.m. cuz I will chew it off your finger with my teeth. (Maria Sharapova, Brooklyn Decker, Mirka Federer)

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)

You’ve got the talent to go all the way, but your brain seems incapable of going with you. Buy it a drink, treat it to a massage or take it out for a four-course dinner at the restaurant of its choice.  Maybe it will put out for you in the end. Then we can all finally smoke that cigarette. (Dinara Safina, Andy Murray)

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)

You look like you got dressed in the dark, but it works for you. Don’t let anyone tell you illusions are ghastly, dragons are hideous or hot pink is for girl Power Rangers. They’ll be sorry when that shiz comes back into style. In the meantime, let your fashion freak flag fly. You might even get your own line out of it. (Nadia Petrova, Novak Djokovic, Rafael Nadal, Venus Williams, Bud Collins)

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)

You’re underestimated at every turn. Wait, you achieved what?  This scoffing won’t stop anytime soon, so best look the other way, put on your white lace gloves then turn back and slap that mofo across the mouth.  Throw in a WHAT’S MY NAME #&%@ for an extra pinch of fun. (Amelie Mauresmo, Caroline Wozniacki, Francesca Schiavone)

LEO (July 23 - August 22)

You’re what nuclear physicists call “unstable.”  Widdle fuse, big boom. I’d say the only one you’re hurting is yourself but YOU’RE FREAKING US ALL OUT.  Chillax already, would ya? (Victoria Azarenka, Daniel Koellerer)

VIRGO (August 23 - September 22)

You’ve got a sharp tongue, you’re self-deprecating and you’re a wiz at a sound bite. You’d be brilliant on twitter.  Or on methadone. (Andy Roddick, Ernests Gulbis, Andrea Petkovic, Anne Keothavong)

LIBRA (September 23 - October 22)

It was supposed to be your year, and maybe it was for a hot minute, but in the end 2010 blew.  2011 is a whole other piñata baby. Beat the crap out of it until candy falls out. And if someone else tries to grab it you whack them with the stick and say MINE. MINE MINE MINE. (Serena Williams, Elena Dementieva, Juan Martin del Potro)

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