10/20/2010 1:00:00 PM
The WTA has always been the more emotionally neurotic, fashion-forward, psychologically implody sister to the men’s game, but lately she seems to have broken into the medicine cabinet, generating one cracked-out headline after the next. Who beat WHO? To win WHAT? While this has been a thrillride for some, it’s led others to hop on their soapbox and announce ad nauseam the Death of Women’s Tennis. As a fan of the crazy, I want to tell you pooh-poohers – and please take this with all the kindness and care with which it’s intended - I’m sick of your fat mouth. Either you’re in or you’re out. To save us all time and energy, I’ve devised a simple quiz to determine once and for all: IS THE WTA FOR YOU?
1. This year 40-year-old Kimiko Date Krumm defeated Maria Sharapova, Sam Stosur, Daniela Hantuchova, Anastasia Pavlyuchenkova, Nadia Petrova and Dinara Safina (twice). This weekend she was a set away from becoming the oldest woman ever to win a Tour title. Your first thought is…
The Ageless Wonder
A) OMG she’s 40! What a remarkable woman!
B) OMG she’s 40! What kind of crap is this??
C) What the hell kind of name is Pavlyuchenkova?
2. Ana Ivanovic’s last two years represent:
A) One woman’s compelling journey through self-discovery.
B) A &%#@ mess.
C) Seriously, Pavlyuchenkova? Is that Yiddish?
3. Francesca Schiavone just won the French Open!
A) That was the single most inspiring performance by a female player all year! Nothing is impossible!
B) Are you &%#@ kidding me?
C) Is she the broad who posed for Playboy?
4. First round upsets...
A) Happen. Unlike back in the day, there are enough heavy hitters in the top 100 to keep everyone on their toes. Sometimes the Maria Kirilenkos, Gisela Dulkos and Kaia Kanepis of the world are just better on the day and they deserve the W!
B) Oh shut up. I miss Steffi!
C) Are hilarious! Especially when they’re, like, injured and writhing on the floor. Tears are like sunshine.
5. Justine Henin made a major final in her second tournament back from retirement. Kim Clijsters won a major in her third. This tells you…
A) What champions they are. True talent like that just can’t be denied. Go Justine & Kim!
B) What mental midgets women players have become. Margaret Court is rolling in her grave. (Wait, she’s not dead..?)
C) Kim and Justine are back? Good for them! I always knew they’d work it out, they’re such a cute couple.
6. Caroline Wozniacki is the No 1 player in the world. That’s…
A) what a little brains and a lot of fighting spirit gets you. And good for her for grinding it out day in and day out on Tour.
B) a sign of the Apocalypse. Jelena Jankovic, Dinara Safina and Woz are clearly the first three Horsemen. Still time to saddle up Bepa!
C) Outrageous! Psych, I don’t care. (Is she the broad who posed for Playboy?)
7. Serena Williams can only show up for majors and still manage to lay waste to the field. That’s because…
A) She’s a living legend who can always beat any 7 women in a row. That was true in ’02 and it’s true today.
B) Everyone else was up late the night before whining about equal prize money.
C) “I’m gonna shove this #%&@ ball down your #%&@ throat!” HAHAHAHA. Classic! What was the question?
8. Fed Cup is…
A) A great opportunity to see women play as a team instead of just for themselves.
B) The biggest, pinkest waste of money since the Energizer Bunny Macy’s float. Could the stands be any more empty? Margaret Court had more people at her funeral. And for sure she’s not even dead!
C) The premier team competition in women's tennis, launched in 1963 to celebrate the 50th Anniversary of the International Tennis Federation. (I just read that from the web site. BOO-YA!)
9. The female Rafael Nadal is…
A) Justine. No, Serena! No, Justine!
B) Hahahahahahaha! Oh my God, I’m crying. I’m actually crying.
C) One ugly woman. But I’d still ask shim out. It gets lonely on Death Row.
10. The future of women’s tennis is:
A) Wozniacki. She’s still growing, and with the spin she hits with she’s only going to get stronger.
B) Bleak. Unless Steffi un-retires. That’ll show ‘em!
C) Did you know if you sniff Serena’s new line of nail polish hard enough you can see the inside of your eyes?
Mostly A’s: You’re a ride-or-die WTA fan, and you’ve got the thigh burns to prove it. You love the chills, spills and thrills. You’ve most likely been bullied as a child and thus can withstand a lot of emotional abuse. It feels like home. Giddy yap!!
Mostly B’s: Tap out. The WTA is not for you. You long for sepia-tinted glory days that never existed. Or you just hate women. Is that it, woman hater? SHAME. Go watch men’s tennis and leave the tough stuff to the rest of us.
Mostly C’s: You’re ill-mannered, judgmental, borderline sadistic and clearly suffering from some kind of brain damage. Perfect attributes for a WTA fan! Jump on in, the water’s fine.
Follow James at twitter.com/JamesLaRosa.