Psst. Hey, you. Yeah you. I know, why on God’s green should you read anything about tennis, you’re not a tennis fan. Well you know someone who is, because they sent this to you. Why would they waste your time doing such a horrid, horrible thing?
Because they’re sick of the dead eyes staring back at them when they try to talk to you about tennis. They’re sick of you burning them with your cigarette the moment they tell you why they were up so late last night. Basically the only people they have to talk to about tennis are suspect strangers on the internet (if you watch To Catch a Predator, you know how that ends) and a pet they named after their favorite player, and even he refuses to come when called (“Ernests, stop peeing on the sofa!”). It ain’t right.
Our collective sofas are being peed on by the blatant lack of respect our sport is getting these days. Tennis magazines are struggling, tournament stands are empty (I could count the number of spectators in Tashkent on one pinky toe) and history-making Grand Slam finals are getting bumped from ESPN Classic by Celebrity Bowling. You’re getting this sent to you because you need to get with the program. Why?
Because TENNIS IS SEXY.
Wait, don’t go! I know what you’re thinking. Isn’t tennis the “sport” unathletic people who are too socially stunted to partake in real team sports play? Yes. But it is so much more baby!
We’ve got hot foreigners. Like busty blond Russians? Ours are the blondest and the bustiest! They’re 6’3” and they squeal every time they hit a ball! Into Spanish dudes? These guys can’t keep their clothes on!
But that’s not all.
We’ve got a guy named Roger Federer, who broke like a gajillion records, but who cares right? He’s friends with Gwen Stefani! And Rafael Nadal. He was in a Shakira video! Can I get a what what?
We’ve got supermoms! There’s this chick named Kim Clijsters who literally gave birth during the US Open final. She cut her own cord on match point, it was redonkulous.
We’ve got a chick that cries constantly. I mean like meltdown city, she’s like Julianne Moore in every movie. And she beats herself. That’s ENTERTAINMENT.
We’ve got an 80-year-old woman on her fifth comeback. In Tokyo she just beat Maria Sharapova (who dates a Laker! Basketball is a REAL SPORT). Honest, look it up. She’s like a Japanese ‘Where’s the Beef?’ lady. ADORBS!
We’ve got drunken commentators! I won’t name names but…okay it’s pretty much all of them. We love to party!
Speaking of partying, Kim Kardashian is a huge tennis fan. See, it requires no thought whatsoever to follow this sport!
Vampire Edward crushes a backhand
And the top players get like a million dollars just for showing up. They don’t even have to win! It’s like Deal or No Deal, but every suitcase has the grand prize! And no Howie Mandel!
And EVERYBODY’S INJURED. It’s hilarious. Broken arms, broken backs, turned ankles. You NEVER KNOW when someone is going to retire, like, in the middle of playing. Hello, our No 1 female player dances barefoot on broken glass! That’s straight gangsta.
And the drugs they take! They don’t even care if you know. They’re like, “Yeah airport security, I’ve got HGH in my suitcase, and what?” Players test positive for cocaine left and right. We’re talking Grand Slam champions! We’ve got one guy who did hard time for soliciting a lady of the night (hookers yo!). Our players spit at crowds and show up with unexplained black eyes. Suck it golf!
The frickin’ PRESIDENT loves tennis. I mean…
We’ve also got vampires! Gilles Simon isn’t just a dead ringer for Edward Twilight (that’s his name, right?), he also sucks the blood of every dude he beats! So does Ivan Ljubicic, and he’s not even a vampire!
We play tennis on like a thousand surfaces, each one more XTREME than the next! Dirt, lawn, concrete, rusty nails, electric fence, full-grown cobras, carpet…TO THE XTREME!
And the scoring? Don’t get me started. Don’t even get me started.
And Grand Slams! They’re like two week long games of Quidditch! And I’m pretty sure Patty Schnyder is a witch.
Justin Bieber FLOVES tennis.
So you see, you’ll want to take that cigarette you burn your friend with and smoke it after watching tennis because it is so super sexy! Together, we can make sweet love to this sport and take it into the next millennium. Or something.
YES WE CAN.
…please watch tennis. We’re dying here.
Follow James at twitter.com/JamesLaRosa.