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8/11/2010 2:00:00 PM
Last weekend, David Nalbandian, Svetlana Kuznetsova and Jelena Dokic (tennis’s answer to The Expendables) all crawled out from under rocks to win titles. It adds to a growing list of Where Are They Nows including Anna Chakvetadze, Xavier Malisse and Mardy Fish who are showing near-Cocoon-like signs of life. Inspiring, yes, but hell on the predictions. Just when I think I have a handle on things, Ana Ivanovic wins and Team Djokovic/Nadal loses. I give up. No, seriously, I’m not writing a column this week. You are. Ladies and gentlemen, in a US Open Series gone mad, I present to you your SWEET SPOT US OPEN SERIES MAD LIBS.
It can’t wind up reading any more ridiculous than what’s actually going on.
Let’s keep it clean, kids.
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US OPEN SERIES FUN
What a ____(adjective)______ US Open Series it’s been! We’re only a few tournaments in and already we’re seeing so many _____(adjective)_____ players with so many ____(adjective)_____ results. The ____(recent US Open Series tournament)____ was probably the ____(superlative)____ event so far. So many ____(adjective) ____ players were beaten while more _____(adjective)_____ players somehow managed to __(verb)___. I’m sure ticket buyers and tournament organizers felt so ____(name of emotion)____ they could ___(violent action)____.
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Even David is at a loss
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This week, we have two tournaments going on. At the ____(name of car company)___ ___(name of web site that won’t be around next year)___ ___(name of watch brand)___ ___(name of bank that doesn’t exist in America)___ Open, it’s a loaded men’s field. The smart money is on ____(top ranked male player)____, but he’s been suffering from ____(type of injury)____. Keep your eye on _____(name of male player)____, who once again somehow managed to score a ____(adverb)____ ____(type of baked good)____ draw.
At the women’s event, the ____(name of alcoholic beverage)____ ____(name of discount shampoo)____ ____(name of local estate planner)____ ____(name of magazine only your mother buys)____ Open, whoever wins is anybody’s guess. The Williams sisters both pulled out – ____(name of a Williams sister)____’s reason was legitimate but ____(name of the other Williams sister)____ is a big liar – so any number of ____(adjective)____ players could make hay.
Whoever wins this week has to be a favorite going into the U.S. Open. ___(interjection)___, this US Open is going to be ____(adjective)____! ___(name of former No 1 you hate)____ is so over. Maybe they used to be ___(faint praise)____ but now they’re ____(dismissive adjective)____ and ____(three-digit number)___ years old. Plus they’re under a ton of pressure to defend ____(number)____ points, and they have a better chance of ____(verb ending in –ing)____ a ____(noun)____ than pulling that off.
However, ____(name of former No 1 you love) ____ is showing some amazing stuff. Sure they had ____(type of mental disorder)____, and maybe their confidence level is ___(a fraction)____, but they are for sure coming back. They’re really trying and I’d bet my ____(part of your body you can do without)____ that they’re going to catch fire. And then the haters can ____(verb)____ it!
The tennis journos are picking ____(name of ATP No 1)____ and ____(name of WTA No 1)____ to hoist the trophy in New York, but if you ask me, I’d say the players with the best chances of winning are ____(player you love)____, ____(player you love)____ and ____(player you’re too bored by their personality to actually take the time to watch play or get to know them in any way, but they’ve been winning lately)____. You can be sure ____(player you loathe)____ is going to dump out early because they’re a ____(animal that eats its own waste)____. As far as hometown favorites go, I’m putting my money on ____(already doomed American player)____ to make it the furthest in the draw. I’m sure ____(name of American player with Believe on their sneakers)____ is gonna snap under the pressure.
I’m really hoping to go to the US Open in person, if only so I don’t have to hear ____(name of commentator)____ blathering on and on about ____(something not tennis related)____, ____(something not tennis related)____ and ____(something about them)____.
In the end, the only thing you can count on this US Open series is this: someone, somewhere, is still playing on ____(expletive ending in -ing)____ clay.
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Incidentally, if you feel like emailing me your results, I’m all over it. Especially if they’re filthy. I said keep it clean but I know you don’t listen. Dirty birds.
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Follow James at twitter.com/JamesLaRosa.
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