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James LaRosa's Sweet Spot: Dec 17, 2008

12/17/2008 6:34:00 PM

Dec 17, 2008

It ain't all about the tennis, people. Even if you didn't catch a single match this year, there was still plenty of entertainment to go around. Forthwith, the MOST AWESOMEST OFF COURT ANTICS OF '08.

ALL BETS ARE OFF! The ATP clears Nikolay Davenko of match fixing. Oh, PS, in the same statement they point out that investigators were unable to review phone records that were first withheld and then destroyed. "The ATP has now exhausted all avenues of inquiry open to it, and the investigation is now concluded." Well that answers all my questions. 

NUDE NUDE NUDE! Fernando Verdasco poses in the buff for UK Cosmo, careful to conceal all his jiggly bits. Not to be outdone, Ashley Harkleroad poses for Playboy (Jesus fish are for the car, Ashley!). Andy Roddick offers up a nude tennis lesson, which he later says was a joke. Not sure if the chick who bid $15G to win it is laughing. Rafael Nadal is caught with his pants down (you always wondered, now you know) on a yacht outing. We end the year with an ATP beefcake calendar, with an accompanying video that's as close to tennis porn as you're gonna get. Ivan Ljubicic, you minx!

CUPCAKE DRAW! After suggesting she might want to take a crack at playing Miami, Monica Seles instead announces in one fell swoop both her retirement and her debut on Dancing with the Stars wearing a giant pink cupcake. Okay, she didn't announce the dress. Though I would've liked the warning.

I'M TIRED OF THESE #@&$# SNAKES ON THIS %#&@ GRAND SLAM CHAMPION! Rather than dance with stars, Martina Navratilova instead chooses to join the cast of the British reality show "I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here!" In addition to finding her head placed in a goldfish bowl as hundreds of spiders and cockroaches crawl all over her, she would also stare down a snake en route to a runner-up finish. Let's see Chrissie do that.

LITTLE GIRL SCREAMS! OTHER LITTLE GIRL HEARS FROM 1000 MILES AWAY! 9-year-old Lauryn Edwards is banned from her tennis club in Australia for grunting like her idol, Maria Sharapova. Meanwhile, 8-year-old Anastasiya Korzh is bounced from her under-10 tournament in New Zealand when referees are alerted to a earpiece she has hidden under her massive headband. According to her dad, he was only helping her easily confused daughter keep score. Something tells me she knows the score now. 

THE ELUSIVE ASTEROID SLAM! In honor of Rafael Nadal's supreme awesomeness, the International Astronomical Union (say that 5 times fast) names asteroid 128036 after the newly crowned Wimbledon champ. Plans for the Tommy Haas Black Hole failed to get off the ground.

SARONG, SARI! As if having a fatwa against you and being burned in effigy isn't enough, Sania Mirza is sued when she puts her bare feet up to watch a Hopman Cup match in front of an Indian flag. Sania responds by pulling out of the Bangalore Open. "Every time I play in India, there is a problem. In fact, I feel it would be better if I don't play in the country for some time." You don't have to be such a drama queen, Sania.

IT'S A BIRD! IT'S A PLANE! IT'S A DOUBLES SPECIALIST! While the WTA is looking for a hero, India finds one when it's announced that Leander Paes will be transformed into a superhero in a 26-part cartoon series. He'll be a "miracle man" using his "Magic Racquet" to lure children away from the TV and into the fantastical world of diet and exercise. Making him the most unfun superhero since Apache Chief.

CATFIGHT! When Andy Murray opts to skip first round Davis Cup duties against Argentina to give his knee a rest, older brother Jamie tells the press any injury is news to him and it "kind of affects how I feel about him." Little brother's dig: "If he knew what it was like playing three five-set matches in a row on clay, then maybe he'd understand my position a little bit better." The gauntlet is thrown, Radwanska sisters.

Sandy Meyer-Woelden said c u l8er to her fiancee Boris Becker.
 On the heels of winning the junior Wimbledon title, British press predict 14-year-old Laura Robson could become the "richest Brit star in tennis history," rolling around in a pile of 50 million quid. But, you know, no pressure.

OMG! Boris Becker is broken up via text message - make that five of them - by his fiancee, 25-year-old Sandy Meyer-Woelden. In lieu of a snide remark I now invite you all to check out my good buddy Kelly's "Txt Msg Brkup," available on iTunes. Parental advisory warning! (Something perhaps Sandy should have come with.) (snide remark!)

SERENA IN DA HIZZOUSE! According to England's Sunday Mirror (always a reputable source), Serena Williams is alleged to be working with boyfriend Common on a rap album under the handle "Yellow Ball Killa." Before the internet world melts over the prospect, Serena is alleged to have broken up with boyfriend Common, allegedly squashing any chance of this alleged project allegedly happening. The Sweet Spot is alleged to be seriously bummed. 

What were your Precious Moments?